Mother's Day is it only for women?
Yesterday I celebrated my second Mother's Day. And, I reflected on the language of the word Mother. Are mothers only woman? And, are they only woman related to the child or children? I went to a buy a card for the wonderful woman who watches my daughter while I am at R.U. teaching and it wasn't easy to find a card. I finally found a card that said something about being a caregiver. This woman loves my child and "mothers" my daughter while I am not there. It made me think of all those men that stay home and "mother" the child and same sex couples and grandparents that have taken over the role of raising or loving a child or children during the day. Where are their cards? We have seen terms to describe partners in relationships over the years grow and change, such as "significant other" or "relational partner" or instead of marriage, terms such as "committted relationship" or "monogamous relationship". Is there another word that we can use to describe all the wonderful people whether men or women, whether biologically related or not, that love and help raise children? I reflected on how my gender identity ties in to my role of a mother. Our family does adhere to the culturally based definitions of a mother being a woman and a father being a male. Our roles are tied to the masculine and feminine sterotypcial qualities of a mother and father which maybe perpetuates the cultural definition of each of these roles? I know that when I go outside the stereotypcial definition of what it means to be a "good mom", I feel as though I have failed as a mom or feel guilty that I have let my daughter down. If I had another term like parental caretaker would I have different expecations and a different self view of how well I was raising my daughter? Would she grow up and develop a self view that says she is more than just her feminine characteristics? I will ponder on this idea for awhile. What are your thoughts? What life experience have you seen or experienced this week that illustrates a gender issue in your life?
25 comments:
Growing up in a very conventional household, its difficult for me to think of another word to describe people in one's life that offer love an guidance but do not fall into the conventional category of 'mother' or father'.
I know that in many cultures, including my own, the words 'aunt' or 'uncle' are used to describe close friends or caregivers, even if they are not actually blood relatives. My mother had my older brother and me when she was very young, and we have grown up considering both my mother's close friends and my father's close friends to be aunts and uncles.
While this term still differentiates people by their gender, I consider my aunts and uncles to be family. Now that they all have children, I'm sure that their children consider me to be their aunt, and I love them all as if they were blood.
I'm not sure if hallmark will ever catch onto this trend or if there will ever be a nice clean term to describe people who care for you as if they were a mother, but who do not fit the conventional description of one. And perhaps it is better this way, because maybe it is a feeling too strong for a single word to legitimately capture.
I think caregiver is a term that can apply to anyone that is looking after another person. When I was growing up we had aunt's and uncle's and family friends watch us for different reasons. I think a child would view all those different people with great affection and fondness and would have good experiences with all of them although the childs experience would differ depending on the gender and age of the person providing the care and that persons relationship with the family. I think that a general card for Caregiver with a blank inside would be my preference. Most times I like to write something personal to the person receiving the card.
Anyone who is willing to care for a child whether it be family or not deserves the respect of a caregiver. Society should come to realize that anything goes nowadays. While growing up I had both my parents take very good care of me but at times my grandparents or aunts and uncles stepped in as well when my parents needed their help to take care of me, my sister and brother. If it was babysitting or joining in on school activities it didn't matter and they received the same respect that my parents received. We always had someone their for us. I usually always create my own cards on a card program from my computer because I am never able to find the cards I am looking for when it comes to giving them to my family members or friends.
As for Hallmark everyone has their own definitions of what consists of parents or family and until people realize anyone can show love and affection despite their gender cards will typically stay the same.
http://jenaignd311.blogspot.com/
I believe that anyone who is willing to devote their time & effort and share their love with someone, whether it be their own child or not deserves to be recognized for that. I have a good friend who has two moms. Her father left her, her mother and siblings when she was an infant. Her mother’s best friend soon became her “partner” and she helped raise the kids like they were her own. After 15 years they are still together and all the kids look like up to her and call her mom. I believe there should be a card for caregivers other then mothers. I agree with Glenn, a blank card would be more preferable for me; it allows you to express exactly how you feel about that one person who took time to care and love you when your parent(s) had to work or couldn’t be there for you for whatever reason.
I think as a culture we are still trying to transition into new roles. Mother remains primarily identified with the biology of giving birth. And I think that overall as a culture the conservative idealisim of the 1950s remains a strong influence in our lives. This is probably why acknowleging caregivers outside of Parents, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles etc..is difficult. To acknowledge someone who is not the mother is in someway accepting the fact that womens roles have changed, and we may be getting closer but not there just yet.
In your personal experience you shared that the woman who cares for your child loves her like her own even though she's not biologically related. In my case when my daughters where younger they were taken care of by a biological relative. I can say from my own experience that biology does not guarantee the proper nurturing and support that one would expect. While they were never mistreated, in the end they were not cared for the way that I wanted them to be. This meant that I had to put my career on hold as well as my education so that I could give my daughters what was needed.
In general we need to be aware that caregiving and love can come from many places and biology should not be the determining factor
Although the concept of family has been culturally defined and re-enforced to be that of the nuclear family it has evolved dramatically over the last forty years. It is now very common that alternate forms of family are accepted. An individual may choose familial relationships based on any number of criteria but the connections are predominately centered on caregivers. Caregivers come in unlimited form and are not limited by sex, gender, or age. With many people choosing to delay having children, or even to not have any children, bonds are often formed which fill the role standards of mother, father, sibling, etc. These relationships can be formed out of choice or even out of necessity. I have a friend who is in her early thirties but has taken on the role of mother to a mentally challenged woman who is in her early sixties. Elizabeth felt a bond, and Carrie needed someone to fill the role of mother. This situation goes against the stereotype of the nuclear family as well as the standard mother-daughter relationship. Alternate forms of family most likely are influenced by gender roles the same way nuclear families are however society adapts its perception of the familial roles based on economic and cultural shifts.
The definition of a conventional family has changed over the years. The economy, for one reason, has forced families to become a two income household. Different situations warrant different roles of mother and fther. Gender roles have changed.
Years ago, the idea of a mother pursuing a career and having someone else care for their children was unheard of an frowned upon. Today, it's the norm and the position of caregiver is not always filled by a relative. Children are sent off to daycare, have an in-home caregiver, or fathers have become stay-at-home dads. Whatever the case, I think caregivers should be recognized. They devote their time to someone else's children and, if you are fortunate, treat them as their own.
It is difficult for me to comment on this subject. I was fortunate to have my mother home with me my entire childhood. I never had anyone else care for me other than my mother and father and on occassion, my grandparents. I consider myself very lucky to have been in this situation and as Dorit G. commented "it is difficult to think of another word to describe people in one's life that offer love and guidance but do not fall into the conventional category of "mother" or "father".
I agree with you that a caretaker can be like your mother,my grandchildren have a wonderful person who takes care of them while the parents have to work.It was very difficult to find a special card for her ,we ended up making a card with the kids.The other issue was to include the nanny's husband on the card ,who helps them out too once in a while.
I think love is the most important aspect in raising a child. I was lucky to have a male baby sitter for my son.
I agree with Zulma regarding American History from the 1950's and how women while WWII help changed the view in gender roles and caregivers status. Men had to go to war and women became both the breadwinner and caretaker of the household. However, government changes this after post war integrating man back into the workforce and putting women back into nurturing roles.
In my case my mother was the breadwinner and I had two caretakers (grandma and a Nannie) and in occasions my Dad.
Having this kind of support is rear in this modern life where both parents worked and grandparents are not available.
My caregivers not only were strangers but also family so I had the best of both worlds but the real love that can be given by the mother as the caretaker is irreplaceable.
Regarding gender and the role of caretakers, a requirement needed is to have your feminine side in tune if you are male or female. In my neighborhood most of the "Stay Home" are Dad's. These men had accepted their feminine side and are comfortable with nurturing and taking care of the general household chores, while the women are finally emerging their masculine side. This off course could create issues of interaction in society such as play dates, playgrounds but I think is a beautiful time to know that anyone can be a caretaker not only women.
I don't think is about the actual labeling that society often creates but the care and energy involved to take care of the individuals.
Comment to Glenn's Post:
I agree with your comment. Caregiver is a term that can apply to anyone looking after another person. Children as well as adults have caregivers and both develop a special relationship with them different from the relationships they have with family members. Hence, why your suggestion of a general card that is blank inside is an excellent idea.
Growing up, there had been times that I would call a good friend of the family "Aunt" or "Uncle" and I was corrected because they were not related. These people had meant enough to me as a child that I cared for them and wanted to refer to them using a term of love and respect. My family did not see things that way. Today I feel that if someone cares for a child, regardless of their relationship with the child, they should be treated as a parental caregiver. I am quite surprised that Hallmark has not honed in on this fact as it could make them more money. Times have definitely changed. Some people have two moms or two dads, some people only have one parent, some have adopted parents or foster parents. If these people care for the children, a card entitled "Parental Caregiver" would be nice. I am not big on writing the message myself inside the card so a warm sentiment inside the card would be great too.
I think it seems that we're all in agreement that terms such as caregiver and mother are words that continue to expand in their meaning based on where we are as a society. Mother is no longer a biological or exclusively a female term.
I posted on my own blog, and responded to Jenai's. But I don't get the whole linking thing. I engaged the "Links to this post" function on my blog, but it creates a link of my post that it wants to post in my own blog. Superfluous. Sorry... I'm missing something.
I have wondered about this issue a lot also. Mothers' Day is a day society deems to celebrate the your “mother” for me that’s my dad but I find each year it’s hard to find a card that can get that across. It’s weird to me because society makes you think they are accepting of ever lifestyle and different family structures but there are constantly signs that show they aren’t. To me caregiver doesn’t get the entire point across. The term sounds a little impersonal but I feel like any person who loves and cares for a child is family no matter what there relationship is to the child. I don’t feel parenting is a specific sex it can be anyone at any age. These types of discussions are good though because they do spark change.
First you should not feel like you have failed as a mother. Many woman are working more and having people take care of their children. Does that make them a bad parent or that they have failed no. They still are part of their childrens lives. There are more parents out there who have left or quit on their children or families. You have to ask yourself have I quit on my child just because I am working to provide? At the end of your day I am sure you go home and become that mother that you have come to enjoy and love. I know through my life experiences within this week and in the past that my mother was not the mother I would have hoped. I did not grow up with a father at all. I look at my grandmother as my mother because she took care of me all my life and to this day continues to give me the love and support that a mother should provide for their child. Many parents see the role of a parent as a chore or a burden when it should not be.
My uncle was the closest thing I had to a father. I grew up looking at these two people as mother and father even though they already had the title of Grandmother and Uncle. I am sure your daughter sees you as mother regardless of this woman being a caretaker and watching her while you work. Your daughter sees you as a mother because I am sure you give her the attention she needs and wants when you are around. And as she grows up she will know that my mother was their for me when I needed her and loved me unconditionally. Some children never experience that, I know I did not from my mother or father. I know the children I teach look at me as a father figure even though I am just their teacher. They homes where there are both parents in the home but do not pay them any attention or some who just have one or the other. I see myself as a caretaker because from 8 to 3 everyday Monday through Friday I am educating them and taking care of them. The difference here is that when they go home their parents do not take on that role. You on the other hand do take on that role when you go home and just the fact you are thinking whether or not you are letting your daughter down shows you have a great concern and love for her. And that is something very special.
As said previously, caretaker would be the only word to describe someone who takes care of a child for someone. Babysitter would not be appropriate because they are just people who watch over a child; they don't show love and support like a caretaker. As time changes, I think Hallmark will eventually come out with more 'caretaker' cards if caretaking becomes a popular trend. Maybe we should write to Hallmark and suggest ideas?
It has always been difficult for me to find a card that really expresses my connection with my dad. I am not as close to him as I am with my mom, so that's why finding a card for her is a lot easier because all the 'mother' cards express a connection. I can never find a card that expresses my connection on a father-daughter level; majority of cards are from the son. I usually resort to buying a funny card that expresses some sort of truth between my dad and I.
I think it will take a while for different components of society (such as card companies) to catch up with the changes in society. Having seen the variety of cards in stores just in my lifetime, they will eventually. Perhaps nurturer would be a better title for everyone who cares for children but since "mother" is so ingrained in our culture, it seems it will take a long time, if ever, for this to change.
This week I have been helping my oldest daughter move from her college apartment to her first "real" apartment. My role as primary caretaker -- mother -- comes with it an expectation on the part of my daughter and her father that I will be the one who assists her. And, as you say, I would feel guilty if I didn't! Even the women I work with understood that assisting my daughter would be my "job" and that they themselves had similar stories.
Every week I experienced my role as both parents due to my husbands commute every week. Even though you could have both parents available but if one of them is extremely involved with work and travels makes difficult for the children to see the wide spectrum of gender care giving. Because they are already pre-set to fit into the characteristics of the parents. I strive hard to teach my daughter that girls can do anything not only stay home and have children and to my son to respect women’s choices. Caretakers could be of any gender the most valuable is the time spent and creativity to do such. In a lot of cases children could spend hours with a caretaker but if that person is not present is like being alone all day. Interaction, role model and love are crucial to gain such a title.
As I was reading through your post and everyone else’s in the class, I agree with a lot of things that was said. Now days, it is different than how things were many years ago. In addition to the traditional household (mom and dad/female and male) household, we have same sex households, single parent households etc., things change so rapidly that society can’t adjust quick enough.
Anyone that supports, takes care of, and attends to the need of a child or anyone, should be given credit as being a caregiver, whether you are related or not. I grew up in a somewhat traditional household, I always had both parents, but both parents worked, my mom never stayed home. My mom has really good friends that I call my godparents, when in fact they are not, but we are so close that’s what I refer to them as.
Since today’s society is ever changing, there are more working moms today, so I don’t think you failed as a parent, as long as someone is there to care for your child in your absence. My parents spend a lot of time with my nephew because my sister works a lot, but in her case that’s what’s best for her family so my parent step in sometimes to make sure my nephew gets the attention he needs when my sister is at work so he doesn’t feel neglected.
As far as cards??? I’ve seen many, many cards because I’m the type of person that needs to read every card I pick up in the card store. Sometime I find the perfect card, but sometimes it’s hard because the card says too much or it doesn’t say enough. Today in society everyone thinks what they want and defines things differently as far as providing love and support. Some may only think those cards are for lovers or for just parents or a brother or sister when in fact they can be for anyone. I also noticed, that I always find my self expressing my feelings better on paper than words, so cards really help me out…especially “Between you and me” cards.
Oaaaah, so this is how this is done!
Caregiver and Grandmom are synonymous for me. By that, I'm sure you've all guessed, I was raised by my beloved grandmother. And, when my grandmother had errands, I was cared for by someone whose name I honestly still don't know today. We all simply called her Madea...Mother Dear, Ma Dear, My Dear...any of those choices of definition would be fine.
Caregivers come in assortments. I was a young single parent without a clue. I looked for suggestions wherever I could find them. As you mention Mother's Day, I'd like to add, it is indeed a grand occasion but it is every day, every moment and every instant. Mothering is infinite and little people acknowledge that better than adults. You are not letting your daughter down, you are exposing her to greatness. She learns from the world around her.
I think about all those wonderful friends that shared in the "PARENTING" of my son and if I may say so myself, I believe "WE" have done a pretty good job with the boy.
On Mother's Day, I received calls wishing me well and placed calls to those very individuals who were supportive in "our" growth. I say that because I learned too.
It does not matter what the physical sex is of the person, if they are taking care of a child and providing them with basic needs and nurturing them then they are "mothering" or caring for the child. There are many homes where children don't have mothers in their lives. The guardians or caretakers of these kids do the same things for them that a mother does, and they should be acknowledged for what they do as well. It should not matter if they are female or not female, or whether they are the child's biological mother or not. I work in a public school in Kensington and many of those kids do not have mothers in their lives. The Friday before Mother's Day weekend instead of only making mothers day cards for kids with mothers we made cars for every persons family whether there was a mother or not. Everyone should be recognized and thanked for caring for children.
I have wondered about this issue a lot also. Mothers' Day is a day society deems to celebrate the your “mother” for me that’s my dad but I find each year it’s hard to find a card that can get that across. It’s weird to me because society makes you think they are accepting of ever lifestyle and different family structures but there are constantly signs that show they aren’t. To me caregiver doesn’t get the entire point across. The term sounds a little impersonal but I feel like any person who loves and cares for a child is family no matter what there relationship is to the child. I don’t feel parenting is a specific sex it can be anyone at any age. These types of discussions are good though because they do spark change.
Mother's day is only 1 special day but I celebrate mothers day everyday. My daughter attends a daycare and she has many care takers but it is never the same but women now have to work in order to make a living. I think there are many caregivers (family, friends, etc..) so there should be a special day for them too.
I truly believe in the thought that it takes a village to raise a child. And within that village are mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents and extended family. The term mother is one of uniqueness to me as a mom because it is a bond that no one can take away from you and that person you gave birth to. I believe that at the time of conception you are connected and are a mother. What you do after that point in terms of playing an active role is entirely up to you, however nothing takes away the fact that you gave birth to that child. Mothers instinct is said to kick in and your said to be able to care for this new person that looks to you for everything and when your seen to be doing a good job at that your termed a good mom. Now what's interesting is that for father’s day, I always give my mother a card. For being the mother and the father and with that I mean, the nurturer, the support, the strength and the stability in my life as well as my brother’s life. It’s amazing that women can jump in and play both roles but men cannot, because their gender roles don’t allow them to be soft and nurturing. Not that they don’t try, at least some of them may, but its just something that is not in the genetic make up of a man to be motherly. Or have the gentleness that one gets with the care of their mother.
As far as caregiver, I always make sure I take the time out to thank the woman that cares for my son, yes its day care and she is his teacher, but there is a level of compassion that comes from a "true" caregiver that is so easy to go unnoticed. I also thank the other women in my life that are like mothers to me, and its nice because Hallmark has cards that are just for people that are like moms or those that play special parts in the lives of individuals.
Mother’s day is a very special day for me especially since I have been living far from my mother for the past 17 years. Also in my country we celebrate mother day in the fist day of spring, March 21 of every year and we always say, mothers are like the ground it brings life to her kids and she sees them bloom like the flowers in the spring. When I was young girl, I always save my allowance to buy my mother’s gift for mother’s day. One day I cam home late after school and my mother was so angry at my but I could not tell her that I was shopping around for her mother’s day gift I took the punishment without complain. This is my first mother’s day with my children after separation with my husband and it was very thoughtful because I woke up in the morning and I found that they wrote We love you mom with flower petals on my kitchen counter.
Sometimes you cannot find the right card to express your feelings to you mother or your caregiver so something new like what my kids did will be very thoughtful. In addition on mother’s day, I called all my friends who are mothers and wished them happy mother’s day. I told my kids to remember their baby sitter in NY and call her because she took care of them when I worked so she was like mother to them.
-Sireen
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